I believe yesterday might have been the worst part, being that I always want the 72 hour withdrawal theory to be true, but it just isn’t so with opiates. Today is just as shitty, all the same symptoms, yet everything is worse and worse with every passing minute as the anxiety is too much. It has been the ultimate test upon my willpower, and I am sad to say I can truly say that thank God, it is not willpower that matters, as I would be a complete and utter failure. So I was glad to read on HBO’s website Addicted that will power is not actually involved in decision making with substance abuse as, especially over the years, your brain, in so many words, is actually “rewired” to seek the substance as if it were food, water, or human companionship. It believes it to be a basic human need for survival on this earth, yet the scary thing is, addiction goes even a little further allowing an individual to forgo the basic necessities such as water and food in its ultimate goal of having that drug again. Scary, huh?
Well to go over the symptoms I am having would be useless again as I believe I described them in detail yesterday, or the day before. It is hard to remember what day it is as I have only slept a few minutes here and there, without getting much more than 15-20 minutes sleep at once. The worst part is I am fucking exhausted, but when my body gets to the point that it is tired enough to fall asleep despite the constant anxiety, I only end up sleeping a few minutes, and then to add another kick in the balls to an already shitty situation, I wake up with even worse goddamn anxiety. Sorry for the language, it just seems as if I need to get some of this anger and pain out. If you have never been through this, I have already come to the very true fact that no matter how hard I try and explain the physical and mental pains each day, words will never suffice for explaining the unbearable fucking state I am in. What I would give to have never started this shit! At this point, between anymore of this shit and death, I would likely take death. But don’t worry I will not! See you tomorrow, which seems a decade from now!